1st Scenario: I’m with a group of college students having casual conversations- school, clothing, parties, French fries, name it- and I am that chatty and loud person, giggling to almost everything like a little school girl. And they adore me.
2nd Scenario: I’m with a group of people of my age (probably I’m the youngest) and we talk about something more serious- life, Christianity, health, politics (Ugh! I read the paper but I am not a fan of meditating on what’s happening in the country.) Still, I’d like to believe I give relevant insights on these conversations. I may sometimes be lazy, but I’m not dumb to have my opinion on the profundity of things.
So all of these leave me wondering what I’m really like in front of people? Am I the serious type who can deal with talking about life’s complexities or am I the one who laughs crazily over the most insignificant detail one can ever talk about?
I get the respect of different people on different age brackets, from 40 somethings down to 3 year-olds, when I’m really in the intellectual zone. I get all big-sisterly over the college kids and they seem to learn from me. But then again I also do behave in a way that I can relate to them that makes me feel so childish I wonder the other generation would be surprised upon learning how silly I can also get.
I haven’t really been all chatty with the grown ups because I feel compelled to act more maturely. And I ought to. I am 25! They certainly have fun in a different way than the young ones. I do enjoy both, but I’m hesitant to be giggly or to jump in excitement in front them. I’m supposed to be respectable!
Now I wonder, am I authentic or fraud? Am I a grown up or pretending to be?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
This Isn't About American Idol
Yesterday I was all set to go home early to catch up with American Idol’s elimination. Yes, I’m a huge fan (of any singing competition for that matter). I have already searched it online early in the morning and I already knew who was going to be eliminated. Thanks to those blogging live! But still I wanted to catch it on the replay.
On my way home I called my friend who was supposed to be watching the concert of Season 7's two Davids with me this coming May. I couldn't wait to confirm our reservation and she has not answered any of my calls this week! After another try to contact her, she finally picked up. Yay. But it was only for me to find out that she might not make it because of some meeting/conference/seminar. It all sounded the same to me. What else can I do, right?
I already wanted to hang up, thinking of someone else to come with me, but she was trying to hold the call for a few more seconds. All right, you're not decided yet if you want to watch, can we say bye bye now? Finally, after those few seconds of uneasiness, she said she wanted to see me and probably hang out at Starbucks. Oh yeah, I missed a tiny detail. She's the one whose ex recently broadcasted his being in a new relationship. Of course she wanted someone to talk to and sure I wanted to be a good friend.
But...but...my American Idol... "It's elimination today! Matt is going home!" I unknowingly blurted out. Did I just say that?
"What???" I could already imagine her eyes almost bursting into tears. Would I choose a TV show over a friend in need? Her reproach made me feel guilty of course. But I just wanted to loosen her up so instead of going to Starbucks and reinstating how miserable she is, maybe coming over to my house to watch TV wouldn't be so bad? And I'd be happy too! *wink
But then again, I'm not heartless... Instead of my room's big screen, I was up to massive amount of sugar intake! (I try to go away with coffee so I ordered the lesser evil- green tea frapp minus the whipped cream.) I listened to her stories, as if it were the first time I ever heard of it. She was filled with questions and was in denial I've never witnessed in my entire life! They've already had problems for over a year now and officially broke up 7 months ago, but still she feels dejected and cheated.
Of course I know how hard it is. She was still hoping for a reconciliation even when she was told the feelings were not the same anymore and that it was over. Until now. I couldn't bear seeing her that way and I wanted to shake her again and again to wake her up from her nightmare. It's long been over and she couldn't accept it.
No matter what I tell her, I know the choice remains to be hers. Either she locks herself up to that detestable position of wanting to fix something that's long been broken to the point that the pieces already cuts herself, or she accepts the reality already glaring in front of her.
It's going to be a long and agonizing ride.
By the way, I knew there was another replay later that night. =)
On my way home I called my friend who was supposed to be watching the concert of Season 7's two Davids with me this coming May. I couldn't wait to confirm our reservation and she has not answered any of my calls this week! After another try to contact her, she finally picked up. Yay. But it was only for me to find out that she might not make it because of some meeting/conference/seminar. It all sounded the same to me. What else can I do, right?
I already wanted to hang up, thinking of someone else to come with me, but she was trying to hold the call for a few more seconds. All right, you're not decided yet if you want to watch, can we say bye bye now? Finally, after those few seconds of uneasiness, she said she wanted to see me and probably hang out at Starbucks. Oh yeah, I missed a tiny detail. She's the one whose ex recently broadcasted his being in a new relationship. Of course she wanted someone to talk to and sure I wanted to be a good friend.
But...but...my American Idol... "It's elimination today! Matt is going home!" I unknowingly blurted out. Did I just say that?
"What???" I could already imagine her eyes almost bursting into tears. Would I choose a TV show over a friend in need? Her reproach made me feel guilty of course. But I just wanted to loosen her up so instead of going to Starbucks and reinstating how miserable she is, maybe coming over to my house to watch TV wouldn't be so bad? And I'd be happy too! *wink
But then again, I'm not heartless... Instead of my room's big screen, I was up to massive amount of sugar intake! (I try to go away with coffee so I ordered the lesser evil- green tea frapp minus the whipped cream.) I listened to her stories, as if it were the first time I ever heard of it. She was filled with questions and was in denial I've never witnessed in my entire life! They've already had problems for over a year now and officially broke up 7 months ago, but still she feels dejected and cheated.
Of course I know how hard it is. She was still hoping for a reconciliation even when she was told the feelings were not the same anymore and that it was over. Until now. I couldn't bear seeing her that way and I wanted to shake her again and again to wake her up from her nightmare. It's long been over and she couldn't accept it.
No matter what I tell her, I know the choice remains to be hers. Either she locks herself up to that detestable position of wanting to fix something that's long been broken to the point that the pieces already cuts herself, or she accepts the reality already glaring in front of her.
It's going to be a long and agonizing ride.
By the way, I knew there was another replay later that night. =)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Hysteria
I got a call from my friend 2 hours ago and I knew right away that there was a problem. She never calls on midmornings if everything were fine. And in a split second, she appeared at my office crying her heart out, wailing at the news that her ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend already. I never thought she’d be able to get to my office after hearing her on the phone. I was thinking she might get into an accident or something. That was how terrible she sounded.
I’ve always had a hard time comforting people crying in front of me. Of course I couldn’t say “don’t worry it’s gonna be okay” knowing that at the state of her hysteria, that kind of consolation is totally unacceptable. If I were in her place, that would really be illogical.
I was thinking how would I want to be consoled in that situation? I’ve had my share of heartbreaks and my mind was closed from any form of explanation. All I wanted was to pour out my misery and to be heard.
Maybe that was what she needed as well. But still, would I just sit there watching her burst in tears? It was kind of awkward to even touch her as I might invade her personal space in her panic attack and suffer all her surfacing rage! I didn’t want to be hit or slapped in the face after all.
By some magical moments that have passed, she calmed down. And I had to be hard on her saying that it’s over. (As if I were the one who broke up with her.) She had to hear it straight because between her little sobs, I could already hear her unthinkable ideas that it might not be true, maybe that was just a joke.
I mean, c’mon! It was as clear as the summer sky that the guy had already moved on. And I cannot accept that a dear friend of mind would be stuck in a deep, pathetic mess while the ex is already building his new fairy tale story. My pride could not accept that. The hitting/slapping possibility seemed to have faded already that’s why I had to the courage to shake her up a little bit.
She’s the kind of girl who needs everyone she loves to be at her side at times of distress. She was starting to compose herself when calls started coming in and friends started dropping by at that very moment to console her. I could already imagine her repeating the same story over and over again.
Break ups, whew.
I’ve always had a hard time comforting people crying in front of me. Of course I couldn’t say “don’t worry it’s gonna be okay” knowing that at the state of her hysteria, that kind of consolation is totally unacceptable. If I were in her place, that would really be illogical.
I was thinking how would I want to be consoled in that situation? I’ve had my share of heartbreaks and my mind was closed from any form of explanation. All I wanted was to pour out my misery and to be heard.
Maybe that was what she needed as well. But still, would I just sit there watching her burst in tears? It was kind of awkward to even touch her as I might invade her personal space in her panic attack and suffer all her surfacing rage! I didn’t want to be hit or slapped in the face after all.
By some magical moments that have passed, she calmed down. And I had to be hard on her saying that it’s over. (As if I were the one who broke up with her.) She had to hear it straight because between her little sobs, I could already hear her unthinkable ideas that it might not be true, maybe that was just a joke.
I mean, c’mon! It was as clear as the summer sky that the guy had already moved on. And I cannot accept that a dear friend of mind would be stuck in a deep, pathetic mess while the ex is already building his new fairy tale story. My pride could not accept that. The hitting/slapping possibility seemed to have faded already that’s why I had to the courage to shake her up a little bit.
She’s the kind of girl who needs everyone she loves to be at her side at times of distress. She was starting to compose herself when calls started coming in and friends started dropping by at that very moment to console her. I could already imagine her repeating the same story over and over again.
Break ups, whew.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Can You Keep A Secret?
I've read this book by Sophie Kinsella two weeks ago. You bet nobody could talk to me for 8 hours straight. For a moment my world was eaten alive by this book.
It was a fun read. Secrets were just a plain no-tell stuffs for me, never magnified nor were given much emphasis before this book (at least for me). It's funny how nonsense secrets can turn a person's world around by a mere outburst of emotions, not holding a single thing back.
I've always been a fan of easy-read, light novels. (That's why I can't seem to finish Persuasion by Jane Austen hehe.)
My everyday, harmless-to-spill secrets...
1. Looking at a stranger - I may be judging him for what he's wearing. I may be wondering, could he be The One. Or I may be saying, you could've at least combed your hair before stepping out of your house.
2. Spending my 8 working hours - I tire myself out sorting all the problems of the business. I stare blankly at the computer, wishing I were just writing instead. I dream of being employed somewhere else. Could I just vanish and transport myself into a world of my own making? (I'm not saying I wish to be a complete schizo huh.)
3. Before going to bed - Can I just call on sick tomorrow at work? I don't want to, but I have to brush my teeth! Would God understand if I skip the bible and just say a quick prayer?
4. Wanting to buy a good pair of shoes - Eyes all wide at the price tag and proudly say, "Oh well, it's really not that beautiful." *Heart breaking*
5. Walking in the mall - Are they staring? (But actually I've learned people don't stare at others because they are way too busy thinking if people are staring at them too!)
We all have secrets. Some are as petty as my harmless-to-spill, but it is so unimaginable if our most precious secrets were spilled out uncontrollably! In my case, I would be in an immensely shameful situation! My dad giving me a full day lecture for not being the perfect boss, people staring and having to read my mind, friends laughing at my expense! Oh dear...
It was a fun read. Secrets were just a plain no-tell stuffs for me, never magnified nor were given much emphasis before this book (at least for me). It's funny how nonsense secrets can turn a person's world around by a mere outburst of emotions, not holding a single thing back.
I've always been a fan of easy-read, light novels. (That's why I can't seem to finish Persuasion by Jane Austen hehe.)
My everyday, harmless-to-spill secrets...
1. Looking at a stranger - I may be judging him for what he's wearing. I may be wondering, could he be The One. Or I may be saying, you could've at least combed your hair before stepping out of your house.
2. Spending my 8 working hours - I tire myself out sorting all the problems of the business. I stare blankly at the computer, wishing I were just writing instead. I dream of being employed somewhere else. Could I just vanish and transport myself into a world of my own making? (I'm not saying I wish to be a complete schizo huh.)
3. Before going to bed - Can I just call on sick tomorrow at work? I don't want to, but I have to brush my teeth! Would God understand if I skip the bible and just say a quick prayer?
4. Wanting to buy a good pair of shoes - Eyes all wide at the price tag and proudly say, "Oh well, it's really not that beautiful." *Heart breaking*
5. Walking in the mall - Are they staring? (But actually I've learned people don't stare at others because they are way too busy thinking if people are staring at them too!)
We all have secrets. Some are as petty as my harmless-to-spill, but it is so unimaginable if our most precious secrets were spilled out uncontrollably! In my case, I would be in an immensely shameful situation! My dad giving me a full day lecture for not being the perfect boss, people staring and having to read my mind, friends laughing at my expense! Oh dear...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
An Old Photo
My brother gave me this photo of my mom this morning, asking me to keep it. I looked at the photo of her and my dad walking down the aisle not as bride and groom but as principal sponsors in a wedding. My mom was wearing flat shoes and I instantly thought, she was not very fashionable!
My mom went through a lot in the past. I mean when I was in grade school, she already had brain surgery. Probably her 9th surgery by then. Who in the world could have endured series of surgeries in her lifetime?
She was a CPA and an Accounting teacher before she had that operation. People respected her, and listened to what she had to say (or else they'd fail). I used to hear comments that my mom was a tough teacher, but it didn't bother me. I was even proud that her students gave a high regard when they heard my mom's name.
I heard all our close relatives worried about my mom. They said that there was a possibility that she could no longer remember any of us after the surgery, or she may totally lose her mobility, practically half-dead. All of us waited in anguish.
A particular story by my aunt marked on me. After the surgery, she checked on my mom on the recovery room, I suppose. She saw my mom opened her eyes and looked at her. She was praying God make her remember...make her remember... My mom lifted her hand slowly and waved at her. My aunt was overjoyed that she didn't respond to my mom, rather she ran away and spread the good news to everyone else. Wasn't my mom a tough lady?
But after the surgery she had to quit teaching as her speech and her right hand were a little impaired. She could still write, but not as magnificent as she used to. She was having problems with her balance and preferred not to wear her high heels anymore. She stammered a little when she spoke, but her smile was still the same. That warm smile she always gave to everyone around her.
I used to sit by her as she practiced her speech, reading aloud every newspaper and books at hand. She went through a therapy to make her right hand stronger. She was putting different things in their respective holes as her training.
I knew she was having a hard time, and she cried sometimes. But she was a survivor. And with her perseverance in therapy and her determination to get better, I admired her more. Not everyone would still have the same passion in life after going through a long, agonizing recovery she had to go through. She continued her profession and remained managing her accounting firm and later on, she could very well write her very precious signature.
And after all that, there she was on that aisle, all professional-like, respectable and very adorable in my eyes, even with her flat shoes!
My mom went through a lot in the past. I mean when I was in grade school, she already had brain surgery. Probably her 9th surgery by then. Who in the world could have endured series of surgeries in her lifetime?
She was a CPA and an Accounting teacher before she had that operation. People respected her, and listened to what she had to say (or else they'd fail). I used to hear comments that my mom was a tough teacher, but it didn't bother me. I was even proud that her students gave a high regard when they heard my mom's name.
I heard all our close relatives worried about my mom. They said that there was a possibility that she could no longer remember any of us after the surgery, or she may totally lose her mobility, practically half-dead. All of us waited in anguish.
A particular story by my aunt marked on me. After the surgery, she checked on my mom on the recovery room, I suppose. She saw my mom opened her eyes and looked at her. She was praying God make her remember...make her remember... My mom lifted her hand slowly and waved at her. My aunt was overjoyed that she didn't respond to my mom, rather she ran away and spread the good news to everyone else. Wasn't my mom a tough lady?
But after the surgery she had to quit teaching as her speech and her right hand were a little impaired. She could still write, but not as magnificent as she used to. She was having problems with her balance and preferred not to wear her high heels anymore. She stammered a little when she spoke, but her smile was still the same. That warm smile she always gave to everyone around her.
I used to sit by her as she practiced her speech, reading aloud every newspaper and books at hand. She went through a therapy to make her right hand stronger. She was putting different things in their respective holes as her training.
I knew she was having a hard time, and she cried sometimes. But she was a survivor. And with her perseverance in therapy and her determination to get better, I admired her more. Not everyone would still have the same passion in life after going through a long, agonizing recovery she had to go through. She continued her profession and remained managing her accounting firm and later on, she could very well write her very precious signature.
And after all that, there she was on that aisle, all professional-like, respectable and very adorable in my eyes, even with her flat shoes!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Midday Madness
It’s just midday and my head’s already spinning from countless ideas I thought I should be writing about rather than just imagining myself doing.
I always have delayed reactions over things. My dad/boss always criticizes me for not having a timetable, for not setting up a deadline coz I’m always late. (Based on his own schedule, that is).
But the thing is, it’s not that I don’t plan the things that I do. I overdo it. I overthink things, literally. I am a perfectionist who lives in a tiny imaginative world. I set up high standards for myself, for my family, for the business, for the church, for the world! And I gaze on it, lost in oblivion. What do I do with it? Where do I start?
This happens only when I am already bored and also when I’m pressured or threatened or just sick of the things that I do. Ergo, it happens all the time. I’ve ALWAYS tried to figure out what’s not right. With everything that I’ve already said, that’s already predictable, eh? I blamed the circumstances and the people around me. But sometimes on my dark moments, I become hard on myself and blame everything on me why I can’t meet my own standards.
It’s all about perspective. It’s all about attitude. It’s all about choosing to be happy. I know every inch of it. I’ve heard and read everything about it. I’ve studied it all, and trained myself to “look at things differently.”
I guess it’s just hard to be in a situation that your entire being simply doesn’t agree with but you just can’t get out of.
I know, I know. The choice to be happy still applies.
Shall I think about it more? Argh.
I always have delayed reactions over things. My dad/boss always criticizes me for not having a timetable, for not setting up a deadline coz I’m always late. (Based on his own schedule, that is).
But the thing is, it’s not that I don’t plan the things that I do. I overdo it. I overthink things, literally. I am a perfectionist who lives in a tiny imaginative world. I set up high standards for myself, for my family, for the business, for the church, for the world! And I gaze on it, lost in oblivion. What do I do with it? Where do I start?
This happens only when I am already bored and also when I’m pressured or threatened or just sick of the things that I do. Ergo, it happens all the time. I’ve ALWAYS tried to figure out what’s not right. With everything that I’ve already said, that’s already predictable, eh? I blamed the circumstances and the people around me. But sometimes on my dark moments, I become hard on myself and blame everything on me why I can’t meet my own standards.
It’s all about perspective. It’s all about attitude. It’s all about choosing to be happy. I know every inch of it. I’ve heard and read everything about it. I’ve studied it all, and trained myself to “look at things differently.”
I guess it’s just hard to be in a situation that your entire being simply doesn’t agree with but you just can’t get out of.
I know, I know. The choice to be happy still applies.
Shall I think about it more? Argh.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
When your efforts are not being recognized
Yesterday, I got all the check marks I've been dreading to see on my daily planner. It was a nice list with all the accomplished tasks. My sister and my brother whom I am working with in our business are off to vacation in Palawan & Boracay. Click here and you'll understand why I'm a little envious, aside from the fact that they left me with all their unresolved problems here.
Nevertheless, I've found some form of encouragement yesterday and was so enthusiastic with my work. Have you ever got that feeling that you are just truly satisfied with your day, as if you were the most diligent person in the world? Those check marks were simply rewarding.
Sadly, it took me just 24 hours to savor that feeling of fulfillment. This morning, somehow all the positive outlook seemed to escape me after I was robbed of that very nice feeling I was trying to hold yesterday. It was a total 180-degree turn. Thoughts of futile efforts, not being able to do my job well (with other people's standards, that is), and settling for little accomplishments (when in fact I have yet done anything based on other people's standards again) kept bugging me all throughout the day.
So I had to reorganize my thoughts before going to bed. I had to remind myself of my role and my purpose in everything that I do. I know if I let all these overpower me, I'd get nowhere. Initial thought. But how do I get out of it?
I'm still in that thinking process.
Nevertheless, I've found some form of encouragement yesterday and was so enthusiastic with my work. Have you ever got that feeling that you are just truly satisfied with your day, as if you were the most diligent person in the world? Those check marks were simply rewarding.
Sadly, it took me just 24 hours to savor that feeling of fulfillment. This morning, somehow all the positive outlook seemed to escape me after I was robbed of that very nice feeling I was trying to hold yesterday. It was a total 180-degree turn. Thoughts of futile efforts, not being able to do my job well (with other people's standards, that is), and settling for little accomplishments (when in fact I have yet done anything based on other people's standards again) kept bugging me all throughout the day.
So I had to reorganize my thoughts before going to bed. I had to remind myself of my role and my purpose in everything that I do. I know if I let all these overpower me, I'd get nowhere. Initial thought. But how do I get out of it?
I'm still in that thinking process.
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