Sunday, January 25, 2009

When It's Just in My Head

I've been thinking if I have to create another blog. I don't think my thoughts are well-organized in my blogs. I do write stories of my life, I write nonsense circumstances on my day, fiction etc. I'm still not sure if I have to segregate them into categories. Yeah, I'm a bit obsessive compulsive but very terrible in organizing stuffs. I have a lot of things going on in my head and I just can't make any of it happen!

Expect to see my working table so messy, but fixing it has been on top of my plan. I've had several blog entries undone because I'd just stop writing in the middle of it. I've been calling prospective clients and then I'd lose interest if I'm not able to close a deal immediately. It takes me quite a while to organize the books at the bottom of my bed, coz I can't figure out the best way to do it. (Yeah, it's freaky to think there's even a best way to arrange a pile of books by your bed!) And if it isn't the perfect one, I wouldn't want to do it at all. I want perfection. That's why nothing happens because it's all in my head.

If I were able to post this now, I'd be proud of myself ha ha.

Friday, January 23, 2009

When She Prayed

My admin employees were in chaos for the past 2 weeks, I guess, as we've been terribly busy. It's a good thing that our production is at it's peak. Talk about renewal of business permits, and people just keep coming in.

They say that the true character of a person is manifested when he's stressed or under pressure. I'm also guilty of being improper when I'm tired. When my staff asks me practically everything, when they throw on me all the unresolved problems of clients, and when they give me the last say on every decision to be made, I just transform into a green-eyed monster for a moment.

Of course after my outburst, I'd realize my mistake. There was even one time that I gathered them all together to apologize for my misbehaviors. Some business owners would advice that I don't get to excuse any decisions I make or anything I want to say or when I should say it. But I feel otherwise. I also deal with human beings whom I may have caused emotional trauma because of my own emotional instability. I don't think admitting mistakes would make me less of a person or a boss for that matter.

Anyway, maybe I have passed on my panic and distress to my staffs. For over a week now, when bulk of transactions come in, I just feel no harmony in the office. They get irritated with each other easily and they blame each other for petty mistakes. I couldn't stand hearing them not getting along well (at my watch!).

I intended to talk with them and settle whatever misunderstandings they have. But just this morning, I was really amazed when one of my staffs approached me and told me that everything was already settled among them. Apparently, she prayed about it last night and instantly, she received a message from her co-employee apologizing for her behavior. What a fast answer was that!

I was thinking, I never thought of praying about it! I was so overwhelmed by too much distraction at work and I never even thought of praying about it! Did I think I could handle it myself? Did I think it was too petty to ask?

Even that tiny little detail of her existence, and she prayed about it! I seldom do that. I got too focused on my busyness and when she prayed, I felt it was as if I were called to be more in tune with God.

Just a realization.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Last 60 Minutes

I almost felt relieved when I saw it was already 4:30pm. 60 minutes to go! Hooray! I was excited to go home and was already busy writing down my schedule of endless deliveries for tomorrow when my driver whom I sent to the bank for cash deposit called me up and told me that the bank employee said there was no cash on the bag I gave him. My driver was so trusting enough not to doublecheck the bag earlier before leaving it to the bank!

Of course I was in panic. That was Php 6000 and intended for our branch employees! I had that familiar feeling of being betrayed.

Around 2 months ago, I gave a cash salary to my employee and it was already the next morning that I realized I gave him more than what he was supposed to get. (After I checking that my cash ending balance was incorrect) But of course, (and to my great disbelief) he denied it. When I asked him how much money did I give him, he answered so quickly, complete with the bill denominations and all, and got his "witness" ready. It happened so quickly that it seemed rehearsed.

I really couldn't believe that somebody is capable of such deceit. I was like 200% sure that I gave him like 500-peso excess but he totally denied it and I couldn't even say a word staring at him denying it right in front of my face. How can a person do such a thing?

But since I had no proof and since he must have already connived with another employee, I let it pass. He won't get any richer with just 500 pesos anyway.

But this afternoon when I lost that 6,000, it was just distressing. I talked with the front teller of the bank and he told me that he found no money in the bag. Sounds familiar. He seemed so sincere over the phone. I even doubted my own confidence that I put the money inside. But I looked everywhere and was again 200% convinced that I really put the money in the bag. I even called the bank manager who happened to be our family's friend and asked for help but the investigation was futile. I somehow expected it, as the money can be easily hidden and the deposit slip thrown away.

I blamed myself for trusting people too much or simply for being too complacent on money matters. I've always had this feeling that people are good by nature and that if your intentions for people are good, generally, they would give back the same kindness to you.

For the second time, I was cheated with money. I felt disappointed and betrayed by the world. In my whole life I never once thought of fooling other people just to get a few bucks, or a couple of thousand. Are people really that evil nowadays? When they think nobody's looking, would they just do things cheating other people for their own benefit?

I know that's too naive. And maybe, believing that people are innately good is dumb. This is a fallen world.

Whoever got that money will never get away. That I am sure of. He may think that he had already got away with his little evil scheme, laughing wickedly for his victory. I may not be able to catch him at all but I know that there is always someone greater than us watching our every move and knowing our hearts. He will never get away.

Friday, January 2, 2009

It's Time

2 days to go and vacation is over. Back to the real world (and by that I mean, the scary part). Well, I work with our family's business with my dad as my boss. That's the scary part. I'm seeing him 24/7 and he knows every single thing about me, or at least what time I wake up and where I go every day.

Having him as my boss at work and even at home is kind of exhausting. Having to explain to him the littlest detail of where I go after work is even harder. It's confusing really. I'm turning 25 in a few days and I still feel like a little girl with him. Yet when it comes to work, he seems to expect a lot from me.

For over a year, I've heard less from him since he was busy with his farm and I had the liberty to decide things on my own. But on Monday, he'll be coming back and join me again! I'm not quite sure if it's really a good news. I've been thinking about that everyday and I'm really terrified of not doing things his way.

I think I'll just have to keep in mind my friend's advice. Just do your thing. Yeah, if the world isn't pleased at the end of the day, I can still say I did my part.

By the way, I'm still at the office right now preparing for the Monday blast. How can you say no to your boss?