Saturday, September 22, 2007

You Don't Have To

I did not expect you'd pop again from nowhere after quite some time of not hearing even your slightest breath. You come and go as you please, and of course I was again left vulnerable given the circumstance. Not that I have the thinnest right to be mad, but who cares, I've always hated you for that.

Incredible as it may sound, I've always given a way for the other mask of mine to surface in a situation that calls for it. I managed to ask how you've been doing, right? Well, that was for starters. Even a fool could've asked that. But I think I were able to make the conversation as light as it has used to, weren't I? Or was it you who did? Either way, I made it to a point that you would never notice that I was once, and still is dumbfounded how fast everything seemed to begin...and end. I survived that 40-minute-here's-what-happened-talk well anyhow, whew!

It was not easy though, you know. The moment you appeared, I couldn't help feeling something in me leaped. I couldn't very well spell it out loud here now, coz it will make the whole thing more foolish than it already seems.

I don't want to sound more dramatic. That's the last impression I'd want to give. But hey, as bubbly as I am, I'm still a girl and there remains the slightest touch of sensitivity in my system. I'm sick and tired of going on that rollercoaster ride again, feeling trapped. You give me the feeling that I have no any form of escape in your hands, darn it. So stop playing on me. But nah, I don't think you were playing anyway. It's just the way you are.

But the thing is, you don't have to speak of anything you don't have the slightest intention of meaning. You must not even dare think about it. What pleasure does it give you, giving a promise you don't intend to keep, much less to even just remember? Promises are meant to broken, eh? I thought you were just trying to be funny and so I laughed about it. I must have taken that warning seriously.

So quit the trying-to-make-me-feel-assured-tone that you're actually going to make any of it happen. You don't have to say anything just to keep me appeased because I am rather enraged by every single thing you say, knowing that it's just nonsense to you, that you'll just forget after your short-term memory reaches its maximum level.

You see, I'm tired of it. But still here I am making a big fuss over such a petty thing. Do you sense a tone of the silliest hope that at some point or another, you can actually make me realize I got it all wrong? Or does that other mask of mine just succeeded to show off that I am the least bit interested person on earth to be holding on to those unrealiable promises of yours?

Still I say, if you don't mean it, then you don't have to.

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