Monday, September 24, 2007

One Step Ahead

Some people tell me my life is close to perfect. I have a stable job (we run our own business so it’s a family thing, lol), I have the capacity to indulge myself with the things that I want and sometimes they do cost a lot but anyways, I have the right to have some form of enjoyment, right? But of course there would always be something missing. Some people tell me: your boyfriend must be very lucky. And I’d just laugh about it. People make it seem that having a boyfriend is like having a job. If you’re single, you’re missing half of your life, you must be very fortunate to survive this world. Who in the world set that standard? Yeah I understand it’s a companionship thing. It must have branched from the philosophy that no man is an island. I still believe in that, though.

I’ve always told myself and all these people who untiringly question my status that I’m happy with how things are going. That I have other more important things to do than fret over such nonsense. That I’m in the process of discovering myself and it’s more thrilling than anything else. That the guys left in this planet just seem not to be capable enough to get through me. Well I still hold these true for myself. But hey once and for all I think I also need to be honest right? There are moments, especially when I just ran out of the “more important things to do,” that I get to think if there really is somebody out there meant for me. There’s still this crumb of hope that someone will really be brave enough to get through me.

I once thought that somebody I once cared for was really lucky to have me. But apparently, some things don’t go the way we want them to. That relationship of mine bruised all my hope for happy endings. Since then, I was hardly convinced that there could still be such thing. People term that feeling bitterness, but I guess after you’ve given practically your everything to somebody and it didn’t work out would leave you some form of hostility and doubt towards the world right? Or am I just trying to make it sound less bitter? Hehe.

Learning that this person had finally found somebody he might consider having a relationship with gave me a certain feeling I can’t still identify. Anger? Why? We’re friends. Weird as it is but yeah, we’re friends. He was the one who told me about his newly found prospect after all these years. He may have hurt me countless times before and there was that chapter in our life that I hated him, but after all these years, hatred is the last thing I’d want to feel. It’s just not very rewarding.

Jealous? Nah, the feeling has already passed a long time ago and being jealous would be a form of suicide already. It will only be possible if I still have feelings for him, eh? But the thing is, my mind already repels such idea. It’s just not him and I’ve already accepted that. The feeling is like, after all these years that I thought being alone is not that bad a thing (which I still think is), he would suddenly tell me that someone is making him feel adored, wanted, and who knows…maybe loved. It’s been quite a while since somebody made me feel that way. Once, I took my chances admitting to myself that finally I have felt something for another person and yet it still didn’t end up the way I imagined. Isn’t it cruel? Well, that’s entirely different story.

It’s just sad that I’ve blinded myself with the pain I’ve nurtured for so long that maybe I’ve already pushed away people I truly cherish, only because I guarded myself too much. Maybe I was the one who didn’t want them to get through me in the first place. And I envy him for having found the courage to really take the risk with someone else. He’s right, I haven’t been very honest to myself because all along I’ve been too afraid. Damn it, he knows me too well to spot the very thing I mask to myself, more so to other people. Somehow, it’s a good thing making me realize all these.

Surprisingly, a part of me still believes in happy endings. It’s never too late to start all over again. I can still work my way back on track. He’s just one step ahead. I believe I’ll reach that point as well, in God’s own time.

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