Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Did I Just Lose It?

It’s been 10 years from the day she said hello to me and just pulled me into the line for the flag ceremony. She had that warm, friendly smile that made me exclaim to myself “Yipee! I’ve got a new friend!” It was in 2nd year high school. From then on, we instantly became the best of friends. It was the kind of friendship where you’d never see us apart. We spent ALL the time together. We were seatmates. We went to the rest room together. We spent our breaks together. We talked over the phone right after school, not running out of something to talk about. We even shared the same crush!

Everything was so simple back then. It was an incredible friendship. We would look at each other and we would get the signals. By our mere actions or silence, we knew something was wrong, and we couldn’t just wait to be there for each other. Of course there were promises of “best friends” forever. And I believed it would really last.

But things did change. We went off to different college, met different people, had new sets of friends, and went through different experiences. Practically, we grew apart. However, we did manage to keep in touch in all those years despite the distance. We still kept each other updated on what was happening in our life. And I thought it was enough to keep the intensity of the friendship burning.

We pursue our separate careers right now and I’d like to think we’re doing okay. Sure we exchange messages every now and then. I still know that she’s stressed with her work, eh? We still see each other once in a while, do some shopping and catching up over lunch. After 10 years, we remain the same – friends. (Did I just miss typing the word “best?”)

What if what you’ve been holding on for so long turned out to be no longer as precious as it once was? Yes, people change. But I find it weird and at the same time sad, that it got to this point. Do these changes really have to affect the level of affection and the depth of relationship we share with other people? We used to be inseparable, we were like twins! Before, she wouldn’t have to speak a word before I know what’s going through her mind. But now when I try to look at her, all I see is a familiar face with a known background.

We still do tell each other the most unimportant details on what’s happening to our life, our work, family, finances, and plans. But hey, I can write all of these stuffs here and anyone who reads it would know exactly what she does! Is it the only thing that constitutes a friendship? Is friendship all about sharing what you do in your life?

10 years ago, I would run to her if my eyes couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I knew nobody in my little world would understand me better than she could. I had the instinct to share with her my innermost secrets, my deepest feelings. And I believe I had found a friend in her back then. Because we shared more than just routines. We shared a life.

Now I wonder, could she have the wildest guess on how I truly feel by mere looking at me? I bet not. You ask me, who would I run to when the worst time comes? I won’t be even that confident that she’d be in my top 5 list. I don’t know. And that’s the painful part of it. The fact that I don’t know.

We’re different individuals now. Totally different. I know the friendship is still there. It’s not as if I woke up one day and bam! We’re already strangers to each other. But it breaks my heart thinking how far we have drifted apart. The changes in a person are easier to accept, but losing the main thing where the friendship is built in is quite hard to comprehend.

The friendship. Do I just fail to acknowledge its presence because I don’t want to accept that things changed? Or have I just lost confidence on it that I choose to shut myself and magnify the differences we have? Or simply, did I just lose it?

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