I was watching this movie, after like an entire day of just staring at the tv. I guess I'm just really all bummed today that I'd have to end the day with all these stupid thoughts, again. It really sucks having to miss someone, that's a fact. But missing someone you barely had spent time with is even worse. Coz you're hooked with all those fantasies of yours, thinking about the what might have beens and the what ifs. And that damn movie made me think of these things, again! Grr.
I have this very good friend of mine that I've always had a special feeling for. Well, it's not as if there could be anything possible between us, he lives miles away and is pretty having a difficult time figuring out himself. I've always thought of him as the only one and biggest what if of my life. And I think I have told this very same story countless times already, waiting for someone new for me to tell the story all over again, but i never get tired of it. At the end of the day, I still wonder, could he really be much more than just a "very good friend?"
Yeah, it's the same story. But for me, it seems mine's always original. And here I am wondering what could he be doing at this very moment. If I try to call him and tell him i miss him, and i bet he'll tell me he misses me too...we're close what can i do? Well, my friend N would tell me i'm such a gullible person to believe him. I need this friend of mine to keep me to my senses. lol
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Monday, February 5, 2007
So What's Important?
Earlier this afternoon, I saw a little girl waving at all the jeepneys passing by, but none of them seemed to notice her. Maybe because she was so small (but with the huge bag she was carrying? it was impossible.) I was so dumbfounded at the sight of that little girl. Very brave. She was about 8 years old, and instantly my mind drifted 15 years back.
I live just about 150-200 meters away from my school back then, but i always had someone to walk me to school and carry my bag for me. I couldn't even leave school at 5pm if my "sundo" was not there yet and i would cry if it took her too long. (Brat?) I
never rode a jeep alone up until i was in my freshman year in college (and was forced), since my dad wasn't able to drive me to school as often. My dorm in college was even just across the street! (Nevertheless, with all the job-hunting-always-lost-in-ayala episode of my life, i can say im now a pro :D)
Well, with that 5-second sight of that girl (the road was under construction so it took us that long to totally pass her by :D), i just realized many of us ask for so much in life, and forget about the small stuffs that make each moment much more meaningful. Sometimes, when we look back, those small stuffs are even the most important things that we remember. We get frustrated when our car gets a flat tire, but we don't get to realize, that in one filthy part of the world, a little girl can't even have a ride home.
Shoes that cost you your entire salary would soon be off the trend. Movies that you weren't able to watch only lasted for 2 hours. Achievements that was once applauded would soon be forgotten. But a simple sorry to someone whom you hurt will make a huge difference. A plain i miss you to someone you deeply care about will brighten someone else's day (or maybe an entire week haha). A simple hug to someone who felt alone at a certain point will be forever remembered. It's how you lived your life and how you were able to touch people's lives that will matter in the end of it all.
Just something to think about. =)
I don't know how my contemplative mood got that far. Hehe.
I live just about 150-200 meters away from my school back then, but i always had someone to walk me to school and carry my bag for me. I couldn't even leave school at 5pm if my "sundo" was not there yet and i would cry if it took her too long. (Brat?) I
never rode a jeep alone up until i was in my freshman year in college (and was forced), since my dad wasn't able to drive me to school as often. My dorm in college was even just across the street! (Nevertheless, with all the job-hunting-always-lost-in-ayala episode of my life, i can say im now a pro :D)
Well, with that 5-second sight of that girl (the road was under construction so it took us that long to totally pass her by :D), i just realized many of us ask for so much in life, and forget about the small stuffs that make each moment much more meaningful. Sometimes, when we look back, those small stuffs are even the most important things that we remember. We get frustrated when our car gets a flat tire, but we don't get to realize, that in one filthy part of the world, a little girl can't even have a ride home.
Shoes that cost you your entire salary would soon be off the trend. Movies that you weren't able to watch only lasted for 2 hours. Achievements that was once applauded would soon be forgotten. But a simple sorry to someone whom you hurt will make a huge difference. A plain i miss you to someone you deeply care about will brighten someone else's day (or maybe an entire week haha). A simple hug to someone who felt alone at a certain point will be forever remembered. It's how you lived your life and how you were able to touch people's lives that will matter in the end of it all.
Just something to think about. =)
I don't know how my contemplative mood got that far. Hehe.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Bunsay
It’s been a year, and still I feel the same intensity of pain of losing somebody dearest to me. They say once you lose her, everything’s changed. Well it indeed changed my life.
I remember when I was younger, I was a little horror. In fact, I think everybody hated me back then, except her. That’s why I always ran to her when kids fought me back after I daringly bullied them. Little me, knowing she’s just around, gave me enough nerves to be a rascal. I grew up a brat. She never failed giving me my favorite plate over lunch coz I would pout the entire day if she didn’t. I loved the way she did my coloring book (coz I didn’t like how mine turned out). I always called for her when I was ill (or pretending to be). Coz I knew the moment I cried her name, she would run to me in a flash.
I’ve seen her in love, totally happy and content on everything. But when I thought I was big enough, there were times I saw her hurting and I wanted to go after the guy who caused her to cry. But I was too afraid. I didn’t know how to stop her from feeling bad. I wished she had a favorite plate I could give her to make her smile. I wished I was there when she was crying like hell.
Reality check: she’s not with you anymore. And worse, she left without me there. And I can’t even convince myself that she’s happy with the life she has now, or whether she had been happy with me. Have I loved her enough? Have I showed her how my life would have been different hadn’t she endured the pain of loving me? It was when she left that I appreciated the cliché: you’ll never know the worth of something until it’s gone. And surely, the pain of losing somebody you’ve practically shared everything with will never end.
Sometimes I stilll think of her smile, her choice of food, her silly fantasies on Vilma Santos, her gestures, how our noses look the same…and even the fondest memories of her bring me the kind of pain I never thought I could feel. Every part of me is still longing to have her beside me, witnessing every second of my life. How I wish I could tell her I love her over and over again…
When you thought you’ve been through a lot and when you thought you’ve hurt so much, maybe because you couldn’t simply imagine the torture and misery of losing a mom... It's been a year... How i wish i could still hear her call me Bunsay...
I MISS YOU…
I remember when I was younger, I was a little horror. In fact, I think everybody hated me back then, except her. That’s why I always ran to her when kids fought me back after I daringly bullied them. Little me, knowing she’s just around, gave me enough nerves to be a rascal. I grew up a brat. She never failed giving me my favorite plate over lunch coz I would pout the entire day if she didn’t. I loved the way she did my coloring book (coz I didn’t like how mine turned out). I always called for her when I was ill (or pretending to be). Coz I knew the moment I cried her name, she would run to me in a flash.
I’ve seen her in love, totally happy and content on everything. But when I thought I was big enough, there were times I saw her hurting and I wanted to go after the guy who caused her to cry. But I was too afraid. I didn’t know how to stop her from feeling bad. I wished she had a favorite plate I could give her to make her smile. I wished I was there when she was crying like hell.
Reality check: she’s not with you anymore. And worse, she left without me there. And I can’t even convince myself that she’s happy with the life she has now, or whether she had been happy with me. Have I loved her enough? Have I showed her how my life would have been different hadn’t she endured the pain of loving me? It was when she left that I appreciated the cliché: you’ll never know the worth of something until it’s gone. And surely, the pain of losing somebody you’ve practically shared everything with will never end.
Sometimes I stilll think of her smile, her choice of food, her silly fantasies on Vilma Santos, her gestures, how our noses look the same…and even the fondest memories of her bring me the kind of pain I never thought I could feel. Every part of me is still longing to have her beside me, witnessing every second of my life. How I wish I could tell her I love her over and over again…
When you thought you’ve been through a lot and when you thought you’ve hurt so much, maybe because you couldn’t simply imagine the torture and misery of losing a mom... It's been a year... How i wish i could still hear her call me Bunsay...
I MISS YOU…
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