Thursday, June 29, 2006


It’s been a year, and still I feel the same intensity of pain of losing somebody dearest to me. They say once you lose her, everything’s changed. Well it indeed changed my life.

I remember when I was younger, I was a little horror. In fact, I think everybody hated me back then, except her. That’s why I always ran to her when kids fought me back after I daringly bullied them. Little me, knowing she’s just around, gave me enough nerves to be a rascal. I grew up a brat. She never failed giving me my favorite plate over lunch coz I would pout the entire day if she didn’t. I loved the way she did my coloring book (coz I didn’t like how mine turned out). I always called for her when I was ill (or pretending to be). Coz I knew the moment I cried her name, she would run to me in a flash.

I’ve seen her in love, totally happy and content on everything. But when I thought I was big enough, there were times I saw her hurting and I wanted to go after the guy who caused her to cry. But I was too afraid. I didn’t know how to stop her from feeling bad. I wished she had a favorite plate I could give her to make her smile. I wished I was there when she was crying like hell.

Reality check: she’s not with you anymore. And worse, she left without me there. And I can’t even convince myself that she’s happy with the life she has now, or whether she had been happy with me. Have I loved her enough? Have I showed her how my life would have been different hadn’t she endured the pain of loving me? It was when she left that I appreciated the cliché: you’ll never know the worth of something until it’s gone. And surely, the pain of losing somebody you’ve practically shared everything with will never end.

Sometimes I stilll think of her smile, her choice of food, her silly fantasies on Vilma Santos, her gestures, how our noses look the same…and even the fondest memories of her bring me the kind of pain I never thought I could feel. Every part of me is still longing to have her beside me, witnessing every second of my life. How I wish I could tell her I love her over and over again…

When you thought you’ve been through a lot and when you thought you’ve hurt so much, maybe because you couldn’t simply imagine the torture and misery of losing a mom... It's been a year... How i wish i could still hear her call me Bunsay...


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