Glued

I haven't been glued in front of the computer for this long. Guess I need to visit my eye doctor again for an upgrade. The blogs I have visited for the past hour are just so interesting.(and I never thought I would never run out of stuffs to read).
Now I've seen a whole new world where I can fit - with all the bloggers who have tons and tons of ideas.
Before I got up this morning I told myself I would prepare lunch and run some errands. I think it's obvious I have not done any of it until now.

The Face

Monday. I wanted to change the shower filter badly. Call me a freak but shower filters are one of the most important part of my life. I could already see yellowish particles in the filter and I could already imagine the bacteria seeping into my skin while bathing.

So I pretended to be a plumber fixing stuffs in the toilet until my dad saw me having a hard time on it. He helped me unscrew the filter and thanks to his impressive strength, the filter almost broke. Only two little screws was left supporting it on the bathroom wall.

After almost breaking the filter, he started his sermon about how we should’ve called on the proper people who knew how to do the work. As hard-headed as I was, I was silently wishing he would just go back to his room and let me finish what I started.

There he saw me making face. (Too bad for me.) Expectedly, he scolded me and challenged me to fix the filter. Of course I felt bad, not about being scolded but by my disrespect to him in making a face behind his back. Just to appease him, I just said I would no longer insist fixing it. But deep inside I was still arguing that he was the one who broke it in the first place!

He marched back to his room just as I wanted but I didn’t dare touch the filter. I just tried to tolerate the image of the bacteria in my skin as I took a shower that night.

Until now I feel guilty of what I did. I can still see myself looking like a spoiled brat making faces just because I can’t do what I want. I won’t be able to realize how parents would feel about such ill-mannered gesture coming from their own child had my dad didn’t react the way he did.

I know it was not my persistence that got him mad. I must have hurt him. And that makes me feel even worse.

Where I Was Wrong

Last night, I had a heated petty debate with my brother about the 1994 Ms. Universe Pageant. (Talk about nonsense sibling fights.) He insisted that Charlene Gonzales was part of the Magic 6 while I argued she was only part of the top 10 and that there was no Magic 6, only top 5. I was so confident and boasted that I'd be proven right in any court in the country. With the intention of making him concede, I stressed out that the ranks in the pageant were from the Miss Universe title down to 4th runner up which logically made it top 5. We went on "no I'm right," "no, this is the case" and even held my sister as the judge. Luckily, my sister's favor was on me, making me more confident with my stand.

Finally, just to make me feel he won't give in, my brother blurted he would even pay P1,000 for it. I got thrilled and agreed on it right away. I ran to the computer and was ready to google it when he immediately backed off saying he wouldn't risk his money for that bet. Dissatisfied but feeling triumphant, I no longer bothered to look it up on the net.

After a while I was guilty for giving in to the bet knowing that God wouldn't be so happy with it. I was asking myself what kind of Christian I am for allowing such a petty debate provoke me to want the credit for winning.

I was already on my quiet time before going to bed when I felt him peeking into my bedroom. I guess he couldn't take that I somehow won the argument. I overheard him asking for me and telling my sister that it was really a magic 6.

I laughed at myself and silently thanked God. I knew he made my brother back off or I'll lose P1,000 which I am supposed to add to my savings for my Cebu trip. I felt great knowing that God made a way to stop such a nonsense bet that clearly was not pleasing to Him. Amazing!

Really, God can work in our life, even in the most nonsense details of it, if we are sensitive enough to feel Him.

I’m still waiting for my brother to bring it up and tell me right to my face that he was right. Now, I wouldn’t care less. Haha.

the list i have yet to finish

For over 4 years, I have been bugged by one question over and over again. I thought I was going crazy for finding no satisfaction in all the time I spent for my thought life seeking to find the answer. I’ve read all the books. I’ve asked for all possible help. I’ve compared notes with my friends. Still, I was left with no concrete answer.

The Purpose-Driven Life became a best-seller because Rick Warren was able to successfully spot the one question that everybody has subconsciously been asking all their life- What is life’s purpose?

In one of my quest for the answer, a wonderful revelation was made known to me a few months back. I realized that finding the true meaning of existence is not of this world. I was able to understand that nothing in this world can truly satisfy that strange longing in our life…that after earning all the accomplishments this world has to offer which should’ve made us feel that it was enough, still we end up wondering what else is missing.

I was over step one. I was able to draw the big picture out of this search. If it’s not our job, relationships, our bank account or collection of travel pictures, I began to zoom in the specific- what is that very thing that we are all searching for. I used to envy those people who seem to have a definite purpose in life, who live each day as if they knew exactly what they are meant for. I began to imitate their source of happiness.

I was jealous of those overly confident people who could win any argument by mere intimidation. I was jealous of those who had a wide perspective in running businesses that innovations just seem to pop in the middle of the night. I was jealous of those who seem to know it all and are able to impose their point of view on other people. I wanted to become like them, so I dreamed to do things that would make me like them.

None of my efforts paid off. None of my plans materialized. I was on the verge of frustration of wanting to do everything and yet not knowing where to start. During one of my daily meetings with myself, I asked God just one request. I asked Him to show me a direction on where I should head. I asked for an opportunity to do that very thing that would define my purpose in life in a way that’s delightful in His eyes.

As faithful as He’s always been, He answered clearly. Imagine how you were confused as a child on why huge ships do not sink into the sea but a tossed coin does. Then all the concepts of buoyancy etc. were explained and we just couldn’t hide our amazement. I could’ve picked a better analogy but my point is there was a clear, unmistakable answer that was given to me that left me gasp in astonishment.

I was offered a writing position. I was not even expecting that answer. In fact, I was looking forward to a teaching job at a university. Writing was just a hobby and an outlet of thoughts I never seem to run out of. You can just imagine my disbelief when I was told of the answer. It was laid out to me plain and simple. No room for having second thoughts. No room for debates.

I was ecstatic! It was as if I asked my dad for a red car for my birthday and he gave me the exact red car I asked for right there and then! (How I wish) I never thought writing could possibly be more than just a hobby.

Now, I’ve got a new list of plans but this time I am prepared to put a check mark on every single step.

To God be the glory.

Wall Street

The news of Wall Street’s beginning of recession is everywhere. Investment house, Lehman Brothers declared bankruptcy while 158-year old giant bank, Merrill Lynch sold itself to Bank of America at about $50 billion. Now everyone’s worried on its global effects, US having the dominant grip on global finance.

Now don’t expect me to give an in-depth analysis of this. I’ve worked in a bank before but I barely recall the significance of these stuffs in my life. Besides, I’ve read it on the paper just this morning. The only thing that roused my interest of course is its effect on me.

Local banks are also affected by this drop in the US stocks. Philamlife had to assure its troubled investors, including me, of their stability despite the financial difficulties of its major shareholder, AIG. And I think the investors of Philamlife or its subsidiaries could pacify themselves a bit by looking at its investment portfolio which is heavy on Philippine government securities and corporate bonds.

Anyway, as I was reading the newspapers and blogs today, it wasn’t only the news per se that absorbed all my interest allotted for today. Seeing these people so engrossed with relevant matters as this led me into thinking what on earth I am consuming my time with, while everyone else is busy with the world’s concerns.

I once dreamed of becoming a journalist or a novelist. I’ve always wanted to write something that would impact other people. I don’t know if this is just one of the many things I’m planning to do with my life. I mean, I planned to become a lawyer at one point. I planned to become a teacher and establish my own school for cute little kids. And now I, myself, am not certain if this is for real or is just a product of my active mind today.

However, I still believe that when you put your mind into something you want, you’ll be able to make it happen. Let’s just see if there’s gonna be a Plan D or am I gonna stick with this.

Government announces $85 billion loan to save AIG – yey!

Isang Magandang Kwento

(PARA SA MGA PASAWAY KONG KAIBIGAN)

NOTE: THE COMIC VERSION (kindly refer here for the original version)

May isang kwentong natatago, ngunit pinahahalagahan. Ito’y isang kwento na nagsimula sa isang kakaibang paraan ngunit nagbunga upang maging isang napakagandang bagay na maaring mangyari sa isang tao. Ang kagandahan nito ay nakakalito ngunit mayroong mga bagay na mas mabuting hindi maunawaan upang mas mabigyang halaga.

Sa pagdaan ng panahon, ang mga pangyayari sa kwentong ito ay nanatiling napakalinaw na para bang ang bawat bahagi nito ay paulit ulit na binabasa hanggang sa ang bawat kaliit liitang detalye ay nanatili sa pinakamalalim na bahagi ng kaisipan. Ang kahalagahan nito ay inalagaan at iningatan na parang isang bagay na walang kapantay; isang bihirang pangyayari sa buhay na hindi maaaring ipagpalit sa kahit ano pa man.

Ito ay isang kwento na nabuo mula sa mga bagay na imposible. Ito ay isang matibay na katunayan tungkol sa dalawang tao na tunay na magkaiba at magkalayo, ngunit sa nag-iisa at napakaliit na pagkakataon na maaring hindi na maulit pa, mayroong isang napakagandang bagay na maaaring mabuo.

Ito ay tungkol lamang sa isang kakaibang pagkakaibigan na nagsimula sa biro, pinagsamahan nang magkalayo, pinagtibay sa kabila nito, at pinagpatuloy hanggang sa dulo. Simple lang, ngunit hindi ito ordinaryo. Sa kwentong ito ay may natatagong kakaibang pagkakaugnay na maaaring manatiling misteryo hanggang sa katapusan.

Kahit kakaiba ang kwentong ito, nanatili ito sa alaala sa napakahabang panahon. At kahit pa nga sinasabi ng ibang tao na katangahan ang paniniwala sa bagay na gaya nito, nanatili pa rin itong katotohanan.

Kung tutuusin ang kwentong ito ay maaaring manatiling walang kahit isang kamalian. Ngunit kahit na ang mga kamangha-manghang kwento ay mayroon ding depekto. At kagaya ng lahat ng bagay, nagkaroon din ng mga problema sa kwentong ito. Nagkaroon ng mga pangyayari na hindi mahalaga at napagkamalang mga bagay na mas makapagpapaganda pa sa isang bagay na sa una pa man ay perpekto na. Nakakalungkot man, napatunayang ang mga pangyayaring ito ay walang kaugnayan sa kabuuan ng kwento.

Hindi naman masasabing pagkatapos ng pangyayaring na halos hindi na rin naman nangyari, ay nasira na ng tuluyan ang buong kwento. Ngunit para sa isang tao na pinahalagahan ang ganitong kwento, sapat na ang pangyayaring ito upang pagdudahan ang katotohanan ng isang napakagandang pagkakaibigan.

Unti unting lumabo ang mga bahagi ng kwento. Noon ay kasindali ng abc ang pag-alala dito, ngunit dumating ang pagkakataong kahit ang mga salita ay naging malayo upang maipaliwanag kung ano ang nangyari sa kwento.

Kung ito ay isusulat muli, ang mga bahaging hindi kanais-nais ay hindi na isasali. Dahil ang pangyayaring iyon ang nagbigay daan upang maging hindi kapani-paniwala ang buong kwento. Ngunit kung babalikan ang pagkakataon kung saan ang lahat ng pangyayari ay walang kasingganda, lagi itong nagbibigay ng kakaibang pakiramdam ng kasiyahan. At maaaring tanging ang pakiramdam na ito lang ang tanging bagay na mananatili hanggang huli.

Ang pagtitiwala sa kwentong ito ay masasabing hindi tama at tanda ng kawalan ng karunungan. Ipinipilit ng ibang tao na masyadong maganda ang kwentong ito para maging totoo. Sa kabila nito, nagdudulot pa rin ito ng mga ngiti sa pagalala dito…isang kwento na paulit ulit pa ring binabasa sa kabila ng mga depekto nito.

Ito ba ay isa lamang talagang kwento? Maaari. Ngunit kung aking titingnan, ang maaaring ito ay isa nga lamang kwento, ngunit ang pagkakaibigan sa kwentong ito ay totoo.

a translation of "A Beautiful Myth"

THE GRIP

It was strong. It was blinding. And before I knew it, it was swallowing me whole. I once read that the pain it caused was like trying to put together a broken glass- it leaves you bleeding trying despite the glaring truth that it cannot be fixed at all.

I found myself being slowly broken into a million pieces. I cried countless times. I wished repetitively on every first star I saw at night on how much I wanted to bring back everything the way it was. But there was as if a mighty opposing force that allowed me to be totally devastated…and lost…and be in such a pathetic state.

It was so intense that I thought I could not get free from it. It was short, yet it left a seemingly lasting mark. Starting all over again was a distant idea that seemed untranslatable into reality.

I was told I could get over it and that it would all get better in time. And in my heart I wished the same. I was thinking, sure I’m smart and I’m capable of doing a million things. I’ve got a lot of friends who would back me up in desperate times. And so as the years passed, I tried to live with the few pieces of me that were left.

Those pieces were exposed to a huge deal of opportunities to be fused back together and even to multiply and be whole again. I am grateful for every chance I got to learn how to be matured enough to handle myself not just in my profession but more importantly in my inmost being.

From a self-engrossed person who cared only about my own hurts and bitterness about how the world betrayed me, I was called to do greater and more meaningful things. That mighty opposing force who seemed to have dumped me into that pit was also the same force who faithfully led me into a life I never tasted before.

Looking back I realized a very important truth in my life. The grip of that relationship, the very thing that I once embraced with all my heart, was also the very thing that held me back from becoming the person I am designed to be. And I never imagined I am much more than what the past had instilled in me.

It was never fun having to endure the pains of the past. Had nobody even cared to take me out of there, I would’ve been locked into nothingness. But somebody did care. Somebody poured out his love for me without question…without condition. Somebody showed me the brilliance of the future. That was the hope I learned to hold on to, the most wonderful gift that had finally set me free.

Broken

I’ve always loved the feeling of being alone most of the time. I’d rather lock myself up inside my room and read a book or just scribble on anything that’s going through my mind, than join with the rest of my family watching TV.

I don’t talk on mornings. I’d get up, say a little prayer, take a shower, dress up, and eat without anybody hearing a single word from me. Talk to me and you won’t get anything but a forced smile or a plain nod. You’re lucky if you get a little “ah” or “ok.”

I’m on a very complicated roller coaster ride, or maybe it’s only me making things hard. My creepiness becomes evident during this time. I ask a lot of weird questions to my friends. I think of life’s complexities. I analyze my own existence. I begin to want to do things and yet feel too tired to move even a finger. Everything stays in my head and most of the time, I just want to disappear. I tell a good friend of mine, “I feel broken.” (Told ya.)

These are the moments I feel alone. I think of those few friends I have, knowing that all of them have a job to be busy with, somebody to spend Friday nights with, or toddlers of their own. I look at my pregnant sister, realizing she already has a life of her own. I think of my other sister miles away who just had a baby and is too preoccupied with this little angel of the family. I look at my brother busy with all his friends seemingly contented with life. I think of my dad (there’s nowhere to look coz I haven’t seen him for the past 2 weeks), and it strikes me how distant I am from him and the only thing that connects us is the company he expects me to manage. I don’t have my mom anymore, which makes this period a whole lot harder. If she were still here, maybe I could still curl down on her lap while she watches TV. Or maybe I could sweetly ask her to buy something to eat even if I’m not hungry at all.

Then the weird thoughts and questions pop uncontrollably. Where do I fit? Who do I have? What do I do? There’s a persistent battle within me, knowing the what-should-be-done in life, yet understanding how I feel even if it’s unreasonable.

These are the moments when I am just floating. These are the times I’m having a hard time getting hold of something really solid that would help me stay grounded. I know I have no right to feel bad about life for I am well-blessed and well-loved by my God. I play that truth in my mind repeatedly and pray that He give me wisdom to sort these thoughts of mine.

Am I alone? Am I lost? Am I broken?

Maybe not.

But I feel I am.

Words Without Meaning

1997. My seatmate showed me a piece of intermediate paper with two-stanza lyrics of a song. Without even having to ask him, he volunteered to sing…

You told me you loved me
You told me you cared
You told me you needed me
But I guess
Those were words without meaning

You said I could trust in you
You said I was fine
You said that you spoke the truth
But I guess
Those were words without meaning

It was 10 years ago and still the sound of his voice seems like echoing in my mind. If I remember it right, he told me he wrote that song, and I didn’t question it anymore. I just kept that piece of paper in my wallet for years. Well, until I lost that wallet in a cab.

It’s funny how easy it is for us to say things. More often than not, we let go of words instantaneously and we end up wishing to have those words back. We only get to realize how awful or hurtful it could have been once we have already let it out.

Why are we fond of saying things we don’t really mean? Why do we let out a fast “yes” we don’t have the slightest intention of meaning? Why do we blurt out promises we don’t have the least intention of keeping?

If you were on the receiving end, isn’t hard to gauge the authenticity of one’s words? We get too blinded with a lot of factors in believing what is said to us- the person who said it, the circumstance we’re in, and our own emotion.

But actually, we get to be affected by somebody’s words or even presence only up to the point that we allow them to. The most sincere truth won’t bother us even a bit if we don’t want to. Just the same, the cruelest lie won’t crush us if we choose not to.

The question is, up to what extent are we going to allow ourselves to ignore a truth, or believe a lie?